Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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