I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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