just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How does one acquire holy water?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
