Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
