i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
