a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
