cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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