Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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