you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
