I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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