i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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