I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
