i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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