Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
