my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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