If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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