Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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