No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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