I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
