I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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