We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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