apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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