Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
