If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
