so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
