i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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