I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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