I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
