When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
