If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
