I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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