After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You're like the curious george of whores
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize