Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
