my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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