Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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