I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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