Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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