dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
