I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Every concussion has its silver lining
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
