I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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