I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
