Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just want to make out with him forever
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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