Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
