According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
