I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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