I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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