I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i think my cat just said my name.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
