he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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