tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
