I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
