i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
