They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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