Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
