I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize